As Kessler said, “It’s very hard to ‘unring the bell.’” So he tries to steer clear of name-calling and cursing in his marriage.
“Even if it’s totally warranted, calling your spouse an a-hole or similar will resonate and they will remember that above any other part of your conversation,” he told HuffPost.
Chinitz offered a similar observation: “Once it comes out of your mouth, it’s never forgotten.”
That’s why it’s important for couples to learn how to resolve conflict in a healthy way.
“This means avoiding below-the-belt insults, or going after insecurities or their family, for example,” Chinitz said. “Arguments should come from a solution-oriented place.”
She tries to infuse her words with humor when she can, as it often “takes the sting” out of an argument.
“If I can make my husband laugh during the most heated argument, it helps us come back down to earth and have a conversation that ultimately yields a solution,” Chinitz said.
They don’t stop their partner from pursuing their own hobbies and friendships.
Chinitz said she wouldn’t tell her husband that he couldn’t do something or go somewhere that “piques his interest.” She doesn’t restrict her husband’s freedom, because she knows it’s important to the health of a partnership to maintain independence.
“You should not be threatened by your spouse having friends, traveling or having interests that you do not share,” she said. “Independence enhances a marriage.”
For Chinitz, that means traveling to Europe for weeks with her kids and going on bike rides with her friends.
“When I come back, my husband and I are excited to see each other,” she said.
“We discuss it all — the people I met, the things I saw — and it brings a dialogue to our relationship. After 38 years together, that dialogue is very important.”
This article originally appeared on HuffPost.
