Cunard’s Queen Victoria has hosted actual royalty on board. Still, nothing could prepare the ship for the whirlwind arrival of my 10 and 12-year-old daughters, who cartwheeled and skipped their way through the stately ballroom, hellbent on their mission to see just how kid-friendly a luxury cruise line can be.
Their playful antics were probably not what the then-Duchess of Cornwall and now Queen Camilla had in mind when they christened the cruise ship back in 2007, but this is not exactly the type of vessel my family is used to either.
As seasoned cruisers, we’re more familiar with floating cities – ships where you can skydive, surf, and watch Broadway shows or be served drinks by robots before dinner.
Queen Victoria is a reminder of how cruising used to be. There is not a waterslide in sight, just the legendary Cunard red funnel shining in the Southampton sun as the ship prepared to set sail for Hamburg.
Even the embarkation process felt old-school with none of the apps or digital wristbands that have become popular with other lines. Instead, I was told the boarding pass I had dutifully saved on my phone would actually need to be printed – luckily, the staff did this for me.
Once on board, my wife, our two daughters and I were greeted like VIPs – with a red carpet leading us to towards the ship’s grand staircase. As we were ushered into a lift by one of Cunard’s legendary red-uniformed bellboys, my youngest asked if this was what the Titanic was like.
Where other ships can bombard you with bright lighting, neon and notifications, Queen Victoria’s walls tell stories – artwork, launch-day coins and centuries of seafaring style line the decks. This baffled our daughters as we explored the ship, and they frantically searched for the digital touchscreens that usually let you book shows and find out what is happening on board.
With a capacity of 2,061 – more than half the size of the megaships we are used to – there is no need for bookings or to scramble for a seat or table. We strolled into the Royal Court Theatre and bagged the perfect view for Be Our Guest – a foot-tapping mashup of songs by Adele, Ed Sheeran and from The Greatest Showman. Cue impromptu aisle dancing from the girls.
Away from the theatre, the Queens Room takes centre stage on the daily planner. The programme skews more bridge club than bouncy castles, with a focus on lectures, dance classes and quizzes – understandable given there were only 30 kids on board – but our girls soon found their feet.
Children are welcome to take part in activities, and the opportunity to show off their stretching abilities during Zumba was enough to lure them away from their smartphones for a minute, with their back bends admired by amused passengers.
There were some anxiety-inducing moments; their attempts at ballroom dancing across the royal red- and gold-leafed rug of the Queens Room floor risked knocking fellow passengers down like bowling pins.
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The Queens Room became livelier one evening with a silent disco, and I managed to tempt our children into the Card Room for a competitive round of Uno. Between the card tables and the Library sat a half-finished jigsaw puzzle that we imagined was being slowly completed by passengers across different sailings. Forget TikTok; this was analogue social media – a collaborative masterpiece worked on by thousands of passengers, perhaps, and the Shoffmans proudly contributed a couple of pieces.
There is a dedicated kids’ club on board – available up to age 17 – to give adults a break and keep younger passengers occupied with table hockey, crafts and games consoles.
I was taken back to nursery pick-ups when I collected our girls from the Kids’ Zone, and happy to learn that they had taken part in a nice Cunard tradition whereby each young passenger creates a painted handprint on the window that forms part of a display during the sailing. Luckily, I didn’t have to take it home to display on the fridge.
The organised fun of a kids’ club can have a shelf life for tweens, but The Lido buffet’s unlimited soft-serve more than filled the gap – and several cones – while the warm sunshine lured us into the pool deck’s familiar cruise feature, the hot tubs.
There were moments of cruise culture clash on board. My eldest lit up at the sign for the Royal Arcade, expecting air hockey and flashing machines that we have become used to on larger cruise ships. Her face fell when it turned out to be a luxury shopping strip. Luckily, Chanel trinkets, makeup and skincare counters quickly lifted her spirits, while simultaneously depleting my bank balance.
Beyond the shows, the swimming and shopping, the dining experience on Cunard is where the luxury really sings.
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While some megaships can struggle with the sheer scale of feeding the masses, Queen Victoria served elegance on a plate – and charm on the side. By our second night in the Britannia Club, waiting staff were happily running to and from the bar to supply endless fruity mocktails, and our maître d’ Warren dazzled our daughters with tableside magic tricks. Take that, robot bartenders.
Then there was afternoon tea – proper afternoon tea, with white-gloved waiters serving delicious soft scones and cakes while a harpist provided the soundtrack.
There wasn’t a plain porcelain mug or trendy Stanley cup in sight either. Just fine china and endless hot chocolate refills that made us feel like the cast of Bridgerton. In the language of our tweens, this was pretty “preppy.”
Dress codes still matter on board, as well, with signs saying passengers must be in smart attire in the restaurants from 6pm. And there was time for a Gala Night, even on our two-night sailing.
Dressed in their sparkly gowns, our girls lapped up the compliments from fellow passengers and it gave us the chance to capture a family photo, free of Crocs and baggy hoodies.
There may not be any rock climbing walls, slides or robot bars on board Cunard’s Queen Victoria, but after a weekend of waltzing, whirlpool soaking, mocktail sipping and scone scoffing, we might just be converts to this type of ship.
Luxury cruising isn’t just for grown-ups, and now the Queens Room has a new claim to fame: surviving the Shoffman kids.
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