Key events
GOALS GALORE!
85 min: Penalty to Man Utd Maatsen stands on Amad’s ankle right on the edge of the area. He didn’t mean it but it’s probably a foul.
Unai Emery’s noggin has gone. Long gone. He’s marching round mixing extravagant, sarcastic applause with furious arm-waving.
The Champions League race as it stands
(Man City are over the hill and far away)
83 min: Man Utd 1-0 Aston Villa The game isn’t up for Villa. With Newcastle losing, a single goal puts them back in the top five. But they are down to 10 men and could easily be 2-0 down: the substitute Christian Eriksen, playing his last game for United, has sizzled both the crossbar and the post from distance in the space of a couple of minutes.
“Afternoon Rob,” says Simon McMahon. “Thanks to you, and all the MBM and Clickwatch team, for another great season. It’s been a pleasure to be part of it. Dundee United Rangers won the Scttish Women’s Cup Final today, beating Glasgow City 3-0. Roll on the Conference League qualifiers…”
Clickwatch: that’s a keeper. A clockwatch with extra bait.
80 min: Man Utd 1-0 Aston Villa Morgan Rogers’ disallowed goal was a howler from the referee, no question, but human beings make mistakes under pressure. I know I have. Thousands of them! Millions!
The bigger problem here is the VAR protocol and the lack of commonsense. It’s not totally straightforward because sometimes players stop when the whistle is blown, but in this case it had no impact whatsoever on the goal.
If it stays like this Villa will go mad, and they have every right to go mad.
The latest scores
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Bournemouth 1-0 Leicester
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Fulham 0-2 Man City
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Ipswich 1-2 West Ham
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Liverpool 0-1 Crystal Palace
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Man Utd 1-0 Aston Villa
Emi Martinez sent off -
Newcastle 0-1 Everton
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Nottm Forest 0-1 Chelsea
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Southampton 1-1 Arsenal
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Tottenham 1-2 Brighton
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Wolves 1-1 Brentford
GOAL! Man Utd 1-0 Aston Villa (Diallo 76)
And now Amad Diallo has headed Man Utd in front! Unai Emery is making the cross sign with his hands on the touchline. Aston Villa have dropped out of the Champions League places, and we’re going to hear so much more of this.
Thoughts and prayers with Howard Webb’s mobile phone at this difficult time.
(It was a lovely header from Amad by the way.)
VAR-based fiasco incoming!
74 min: Man Utd 0-0 Aston Villa Uh-oh, this is a helluva mess at Old Trafford. Morgan Rogers put the ball in the net for 10-man Villa, only to be penalised for kicking the ball out of Altay Bayindir’s hands.
Replays showed it was almost certainly a perfectly good goal; Bayindir didn’t seem to have two hands on the ball when Rogers knocked it away from him. But because the referee blew the whistle before Rogers scored, VAR can’t intervene.
Protocol 1-0 Villa. If this costs Villa a Champions League place…
GOAL! Fulham 0-2 Manchester City (Haaland 72 pen)
Erling Haaland is back on penalty duty and has ensured Manchester City will play Champions League football next season. As things stand they will finish a point behind Arsenal.
GOALS!
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Wolves 1-1 Brentford (Munetsi 75)
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Southampton 1-2 Arsenal (Saka 76) -
Bournemouth 1-0 Leicester (Semenyo 74)
Forget the Saka goal, it’s been disallowed for offside.
70 min: Newcastle 0-1 Everton Chris Paraskevas, our Antipodean Newcastle fan, usually sends long, thoughtful emails. This is all he’s got right now.
……?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Ryan Gravenberch sent off:
Liverpool 0-1 Crystal Palace
Liverpool are a goal and a man down. Ryan Gravenberch, one of the players of the Premier League season, has been sent off for a Dogso on Daichi Kamada. This shambles really is starting to take the gloss off Liverpool’s title.
GOAL! Newcastle 0-1 Everton (Alcaraz 65)
WHAT THE ACTUAL! Everton have taken the lead at St James’ Park through a neck-straining header from Carlos Alcaraz. As things stand, Newcastle – arguably the form team since Christmas – are out of the Champions League places.
64 min: Fulham 0-1 Manchester City The internet tells me this is only the third game in English top-flight history with no English players in either starting XI. If this comes up in Prime Minister’s Questions, I’m off to Dangar Island.
GOAL! Tottenham 1-2 Brighton (Hinshelwood 64)
Jack Hinshelwood strikes again! This one sounds like a fine goal, backheeled past Vicario. “What a finish!” says Kris Boyd on Sky Sports.
60 min: Man Utd 0-0 Aston Villa Hojlund has a shot saved by Villa’s sub keeper Robin Olsen. Villa have been hammered – but one measly goal, for them or Everton, would lift them into the top five. With that in mind, Youri Tielemans and Jacob Ramsey are about to come on.
“Given it is the last Clockwatch of the season,” begins Andy Flintoff, “will there be a montage of the best MBM and Clockwatch bits interspersed with the names of all the people who have helped (or not) over the past nine months?”
We can do that, yeah why not. There’s a 74.27 per cent chance my brain will explode before I reach September, but I’m on it.
No, no I’m not. But in the absence of an MBM montage, here’s an all-time classic. Every word of American (sic) commentary came from Scott Murray’s MBM.
The latest scores
Right now, St James’ Park and Old Trafford are where it’s at.
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Bournemouth 0-0 Leicester
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Fulham 0-1 Man City
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Ipswich 1-2 West Ham
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Liverpool 0-1 Crystal Palace
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Man Utd 0-0 Aston Villa
Emi Martinez sent off -
Newcastle 0-0 Everton
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Nottm Forest 0-1 Chelsea
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Southampton 1-1 Arsenal
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Tottenham 1-1 Brighton
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Wolves 0-1 Brentford
GOALS! Soton 1-1 Arsenal (Stewart 56); Ipswich 1-2 West Ham (Bowen 55)
A fine header from Southampton’s Ross Stewart means David Raya and Matz Sels will share the Golden Glove – or, as it’s known colloquially, the Banksy™.
And Jarrod Bowen, Fantasy Footballer par excellence, has restored West Ham’s lead. Is it me or is everything s Bowen still a bit underrated?
GOAL! Nottm Forest 0-1 Chelsea (Colwill 50)
Levi Colwill has put Chelsea ahead, tapping into an empty net after Pedro Neto bobbled the ball across goal. Big goal, that, and the Champions League spotlight is now on Newcastle.
Disallowed goal! Man Utd 0-0 Aston Villa
Rasmus Hojlund can’t catch a break; he’s just had a close-range ruled out for a marginal offside. Meanwhile…
GOALS! Tottenham 1-1 Brighton (Hinshelwood 52); Ipswich 1-1 West Ham (Broadhead 52)
Jack Hinshelwood’s second goal in a week puts Brighton back in eighth place… yeah.
46 min: Liverpool 0-1 Crystal Palace Trent Alexander-Arnold has replaced Conor Bradley at half-time. I’ve only just switched over but the reception sounds a lot more positive than against Arsenal.
“Perhaps, Rob,” begins Paul Griffin, “Liverpool need to try to emulate Tottenham’s pattern of relentless, fuss-free back-to-back game-winning.”
This is our last Clockwatch of the Premier League season, so on behalf of everyone at Guardian Sport I’d like to give heartfelt thanks for your company and emails throughout the season. We couldn’t do it without you!
Actually, we could do it without you. We don’t even pay you for heaven’s sake! But it’d be nowhere near as much fun.
Half time: Southampton 0-1 Arsenal
“A chance for the Arsenal fans at Southampton to wave goodbye to those departing; fondly in the case of some – take a bow goal-scorer Kieran Tierney – and very fondly indeed for some others, but for quite different reasons,” says Charles Antaki. “It’s sad that Raheem Sterling’s career should fizzle and fade out so dismally, but good luck to him if he manages to get a gig somewhere to ease the transition into retirement.”
He’s only 30, fairly young by modern standards, but he was a regular at 18 so he has a lot of miles on the clock.
It’s a football fing
“Thanks to your Black Grape reference, I went down a bit of a Shaun ‘greatest poet since Yeats’ Ryder rabbit hole and found out the Happy Mondays had recorded a song for the 2007 football movie Goal!” writes Kári Tulinius. “It is called Playground Superstar and it sounds about as wholesome as you expect from the Mondays.”
They also released England’s Irie ahead of Euro 96. It’s as great as you’d hope (or, in the interests of balance, as bad as you’d expect if you are one of the unfortunates who doesn’t like Shaun Ryder.)
Half-time reading
Football isn’t a matter of life and death…
Bryan Mbeumo’s goal was his 20th of the Premier League season, which puts him fourth on the Golden Boot list. (We really should call it the race for the Greavsie.)
Half-time scores
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Bournemouth 0-0 Leicester
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Fulham 0-1 Man City
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Ipswich 0-0 West Ham
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Liverpool 0-1 Crystal Palace
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Man Utd 0-0 Aston Villa
Emi Martinez sent off -
Newcastle 0-0 Everton
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Nottm Forest 0-0 Chelsea
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Southampton 0-1 Arsenal
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Tottenham 1-0 Brighton
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Wolves 0-1 Brentford
And this is the as-it-stands league table. One goal for Forest – or Everton for that matter – would change everything.
45 min: Liverpool 0-1 Crystal Palace “Surely they could have filled Anfield with sand for this one?” says Niall Mullen. “Especially as Liverpool’s back 4 appear to be playing in flip-flops.”
I’ve enjoyed how honest Arne Slot has been about the meaninglessness of the last few results Most managers talk the usual nonsense about giving it 100 per cent, next season starts here and all that. Slot has basically been a human cigar since Liverpool won the league.
45+3 min Hojlund went round Martinez, who could and probably should have let him go. Instead he bodychecked him in the most brazen manner. It was so obvious that he might as well have screamed “Ave it!” as he sent Hojlund into space.
It was surely the wrong decision; Hojlund might not have scored, and even if he had Villa would surely prefer to be 1-0 down with 11 men than 0-0 with 10.
Emi Martinez sent off!
45+3 min: Man Utd 0-0 Aston Villa A big twist in the Champions League race. Cash’s wretched backpass is seized upon by Hojlund, who is inexplicably wiped out by Martinez 25 yards from goal. Hojlund would probably have scored but it wasn’t a sure thing from a tightish angle on the left.
GOAL! Ipswich 0-1 West Ham (Ward-Prowse 43) Jarrod Bowen pounces all over a mistake in the Ipswich defence and sets up James Ward-Prowse to score. Bowen is ruthlessly efficient in the final third.
GOAL! Southampton 0-1 Arsenal (Tierney 43)
A really nice moment for one of the good guys – Kieran Tierney has put Arsenal ahead in his final game for the club, finishing crisply from Ben White’s cross.
40 min: Bournemouth 0-0 Leicester Evanilson has missed a really good chance to put Bournemouth ahead. Bournemouth can’t qualify for Europe but they’d still love to finish in the top half; right now, with Crystal Palace ahead at Anfield, they’re 11th.
Premier League latest scores
The last day of the season usually means an orgy of goals. Today, not so much, at least not yet.
37 min: Man Utd 0-0 Aston Villa It’s one-way traffic at Old Trafford, where the home side have had eight attempts at goal, five on target, to Villa’s none.
Can Manchester United score? They occasionally score.
33 min: Newcastle 0-0 Everton Anthony Gordon dives to win a free-kick and gets a pious, hard-faced telling-off from the aggrieved Everton defender, Ashley Young.
I think football may just have jumped the shark.
31 min: Nottm Forest 0-0 Chelsea There’s a long way to go, literally an hour, but as things stand a goal for Nottingham Forest would put them into the Champions League places. You can follow that game with Scott Murray.
30 min: Bournemouth 0-0 Leicester Oliver Skipp thought he’d given Leicester the lead; VAR had other ideas and the goal was ruled out for offside.
28 min: Man Utd 0-0 Aston Villa Diogo Dalot has just smacked the post after another thrilling bit of wingplay from Harrincha. Man Utd will hope this is a trailer for next season because they’re playing superbly.
“Hi Rob,” says Ollie. “Is anyone here old enough to remember the last match Liverpool won?”
25 min: Liverpool 0-1 Crystal Palace
“Nice as it is for Liverpool to give Palace a guard of honour,” begins Tim Woods, “I’m disappointed they didn’t just get out a picnic hamper and take it in turns to challenge Eze to a leisurely game of chess. It wouldn’t have been a huge stretch, given how they’ve taken already-on-the-beaching to new levels these past weeks.”
Premier League latest scores
The Champions League race, as it stands
GOAL! Fulham 0-1 Man City (Gundogan 21)
City take a deserved lead through an improvised, close-range overhead kick from Ilkay Gundogan, his first Premier League since returning to the club. City only need a draw to qualify for the Champions League so they should be fine now.
GOAL! Wolves 0-1 Brentford (Mbeumo 20) Bryan Mbeumo combines with you-know-who to give Brentford the lead. He and Yoane Wissa really should come as a pair if they leave Brentford.
As things stand, Brentford are in eighth place and could yet qualify for the Conference League.
“Man Utd are absolutely battering Villa,” says Rick Harris. “Mason Mount is suddenly playing like the player he was at Chelsea and has had three chances already with Martinez lucky that the third hit Hojlund as the keeper was wrong-footed.
“Where has this United side been all season?”
Not sure. The Kerguelen Islands?
GOAL! Tottenham 1-0 Brighton (Solanke 17 pen) Spurs take the lead against the run of play. Mathys Tel is fouled in the penalty area, Dominic Solanke does the needful from the spot.
“I’d be lying if I said I’d shared Steph Jones’ optimism about Liverpool’s season in August (or any time up until the final whistle against Tottenham, if I’m honest), but I have to agree that it’s been great fun,” says Matt Dony. “In the league, so few bad results (until it didn’t matter). Some great performances, some steady performances, and some performances that we could charitably call ‘efficient’, but always a sense that the players were genuinely giving their all, working together, trying to win games AND entertain. In a few hours, I’ll start worrying about next season. But right now, let’s enjoy whatever happens. All together, now; #AR-NE SLOT, Da da, da, dada…#”
As somebody who thought he was the world’s most pessimistic football fan until he met you, I admire your self-awareness.
13 min: Man Utd 0-0 Aston Villa United have started with surprising brilliance – “the best I’ve seen them play this season” according to Clinton Morrison on Sky – but have missed some decent chances to take the lead.
13 min: Ipswich 0-0 West Ham “I’m acting on a film set outside Istanbul and it’s drizzling,” says Rob Lewis. “I’m playing an American millionaire whose wife is having an affair with his daughter’s fiance. Yes, this is Turkish drama. It means I’m going to miss about my only West Ham game this season. But we Irons have seen little drama and a lot of dross in 2024-25, so farewell to not very much.”
GOAL! Liverpool 0-1 Crystal Palace (Sarr 9)
Palace get the first goal of the day. Conor Bradley’s pass out of defence is intercepted by Tyrick Mitchell, who plays a fine early through ball to Ismaila Sarr. He runs off a leaden-footed defence and drives a low shot past Alisson.
Has Arne Slot taken Liverpool as far as he can?
