Then, Bela slapped me with the “a-ha!” insight that quelled any lingering doubts about hiring her. “You used your ex-husbands as much as they used you,” she told me. She explained that my projection of what I thought life was supposed to look like sabotaged each relationship from the onset. She was right. Each time I thought I created the perfect marriage, I was actually in ignorant bliss. The Fairy Godmother, ironically, was the one who helped me let go of the fairy tale.
I knew about “red flags” but often minimized them. Bela also taught me about “pink flags” — something that’s not quite a deal breaker though worth keeping an eye on, such as gambling. Does it take the form of a monthly poker game with his friends or is he waiting for the first and the fifteenth of the month to load his DraftKings account? And I learned about “beige flags,” which are the little, annoying things that aren’t deal-breakers but will be the issues you’ll likely fight about down the road. For example, he’s messy and you’re compulsively neat. She also told me to look for “green flags” that indicated a man had qualities that would enhance my life.
Bela famously forbids her clients from becoming intimate for at least three months. I was allowed to kiss my dates, but we couldn’t go any further than that. I was skeptical of this rule, but realized quickly this proved an impeccable mechanism to weed out unwanted matches. If they couldn’t wait, I didn’t want to date them.
The most profound exercise Bela had me complete was making an exhaustive list of the qualities I wanted in a partner. I spouted 30-40 predictable characteristics including “tall,” “smart,” “kind,” “loving” and “successful.” Then she asked me to then think of three people in my life who make me feel amazing. That was easy: my dad, my niece and one of my best friends. Bela asked me to describe how I feel when I’m with them and I told her, “I feel like I’m the very best version of myself, like I can do anything, as if I am such a special person to each of them.”
“Throw out your first list,” Bela replied. “That’s what everyone says they want, but this second list, this is now what you’re looking for.” I was shocked. It was such a simple concept, but until that moment, it was an approach I had never thought to use. I thought I was looking for a debonair beau who’d pose perfectly next to me on my holiday card. What I really wanted was someone who could elevate me, heart and soul. Before Bela, I tiptoed into my first dates. She instructed me to walk in tall with a confident smile and a no-pressure attitude.
“Your only job on a first date is to enjoy yourself!” she advised me. “Keep it to an hour and a half of light conversation — nothing serious. All you need to decide after a first date is whether you’ll go on a second.”
I couldn’t believe how many matches poured in from the apps thanks to my new well-crafted profile filled with professional photos. I had never felt confident enough to approach the most attractive man in the room but now I found myself having captivating conversations with ideal men.
I tracked my success from launching myself on the apps to the three month mark and discovered I’d been on a phone, video, or real life date with 14 eligible men. Even better, I’d still be proud to invite them out and introduce (most of them) to a friend. I couldn’t think of more than one man I dated before Bela that I’d be proud to stand beside, let alone fix up with someone I liked.
The coaching completely changed my life. I was the perfect test case for this dating experiment: a woman ready to make some big changes who was also willing to throw a lot of money at a problem. I was at a point in my life where a high risk, unconventional solution didn’t scare me as much as not taking the leap of faith, and I’m so glad I did.
However, even though Bela fundamentally shifted my outlook on dating — and myself — this approach obviously isn’t right for everyone. Many people don’t have this kind of money to devote to a dating coach and lots of people aren’t looking for a long-term monogamous relationship (if you’re using the apps for short-term fun, get it!). There are also some great resources online for smarter ways to find eligible matches and date better that might be useful if you’re as miserable as I was and don’t want to spend as much as I did.
My work with Bela launched me on the apps in the summer of 2021, and soon after I met Jason. After making it through Bela’s required waiting period, we became exclusive, and a year and a half later, we moved in together. He not only makes me feel like the best version of myself, he is also tall, smart, kind, loving and successful, too. Jason has none of the red flags I previously encountered and minimized. We aren’t engaged — we’re not on a prescribed timeline — but I do know this: If we get married it will be because we both want to build something together, and not for any other reason.
