How to Politely Insert Yourself Into Conversation—and More Etiquette Advice from Hoda and Jenna

Hoda Kotb and Jenna Bush Hager, the hosts of TODAY with Hoda and Jenna, are our “Modern Manners for Your Social Dilemmas” etiquette columnists. These two have been dishing out honest, heartfelt advice on air for years (watch them live on weekdays at 10 a.m. ET.). Then check out their advice on a variety of social quandaries—including how to deal with family vacations—below.

Want their advice on a sticky social situation? Email them at [email protected], and they might offer up some sage advice for you in an upcoming issue of REAL SIMPLE.

How to Politely Insert Yourself Into Conversation

SANDRA ASKS: At parties, I find myself wanting to talk to someone who’s already involved in a conversation with another person. What’s the gracious way to do so: hover nearby, waiting for a break in their conversation; politely interrupt and briefly speak to one or both; or just move on and hope to catch their attention later?

JENNA BUSH HAGER: I think you gotta move on for a bit. If people are in conversation, find somebody else to talk to for a while.

HODA KOTB: I think that’s right.

JBH: There are plenty of people around. Look for somebody else and catch up with your person later.

HK: Definitely don’t interrupt. You can jump around and go in when they’re done. Or you can join that conversation, but don’t take it over. Be inclusive. Join in on whatever they’re discussing, and maybe the other person will end up excusing themselves to get a drink or do whatever—and then you have your window!

Understanding Gifts Versus Hand-Me-Downs

ANONYMOUS ASKS: My relatives often give my kids used gifts—a coloring book with some pages already filled in, a lotion or hand sanitizer that’s either expired or partially used, a toy with missing pieces, a book with ripped or missing pages. My kids are hurt and insulted by this, thinking they aren’t worthy of receiving something nicer. I would rather they not get anything than get these kinds of items. Do I say something?

JBH: No. Hoda gave me an apple once… as a gift. And she had actually brought it as a snack for herself.

HK: I think what Jenna’s saying is this: The gift you’re given does not determine your worth. I love Jenna, and I did give her an apple.

JBH: That’s exactly right, and it doesn’t define your relationship, because some people are just not gift givers. I’m not a great gift giver, but my friends know that about me, and they love me for other things.

HK: I will say, there’s a curious thing about giving a broken toy.

JBH: It sounds like it’s not a gift, it’s a hand-me-down.

HK: I think you nailed it. Reframe what you’re receiving. It’s not a gift. It’s a hand-me-down. And take a hand-me-down for what it’s worth. You can donate it if the kids don’t want it.

Not Taking the Whole Family on a Vacation

JULIE ASKS: We have four adult children. The two oldest are married, and the two youngest are college students and not married. We recently planned a trip to Hawaii with our two youngest kids. Our daughter-in-law was mad that they didn’t all get invited. We just wanted to spend a little time with our youngest ones. Should I feel bad? Should we always invite all the kids on vacations?

HK: Nope. This is a special trip for the two youngest kids who are in college. Tell your older kids that you obviously love them too, and one day you’ll take a special trip with them, but this one is different.

JBH: Think about how you want to be as a mom of grown kids. Do you want to take all your kids on every vacation you ever go on? Probably not.

HK: I think you have to just say it. And the tone is “Sweetie, we love you, and this trip is just for them, and I’ll let you know when there’s a trip for everybody.” Or you do another trip with just the older kids. There’s nothing wrong with that.

Knowing When to Correct Strangers

MELANIE ASKS: I am an “older” mom. (Thank you to Hoda for inspiring me to never give up on my dreams of having a family!) When I meet someone I likely won’t see again and they call me Grandma instead of Mom, should I correct them? I’ve corrected people before, and they’ve often been embarrassed and apologetic, and the whole moment was awkward. My daughter is young enough that she doesn’t understand what’s happening, but the day is coming when she will.

HK: I think you correct them. Calmly. Because I’ve learned that your daughter won’t be reacting to what the person said—she’ll be reacting to how you’re reacting.

JBH: I think conversations like this aren’t about how the other person feels. They’re about how you feel. You’re proud to be her mother, and you want your daughter to feel that. You want her to feel how happy you are that you chose this.

HK: Absolutely. I often say to Haley and Hope that some moms are tall, some moms are short, some moms are old, some moms are young—because they’re all different. You try to lay it all out.

JBH: And that’s what’s beautiful about being human. We’re all different.