Help! My Friend Is Ruining Our Group Trip for Everyone

In this month’s “Dear Eugene,” we ask experts what you can do if one person on your group trip is ruining the experience for everyone.

Inspired by our intrepid founder, Eugene Fodor, Dear Eugene is a monthly series in which we invite readers to ask us their top travel questions. Each month, we’ll tap travel experts to answer your questions with the hopes of demystifying the more complicated parts of travel. Send your questions to [email protected] for a chance to have them answered in a future story.

Dear Eugene, I’m on a group trip with friends, and one person is seriously ruining the vacation for all of us. From having a bad attitude to complaining about everything from the accommodations to the group activities, I’m at a loss for how to handle this situation. What do you do if one person on your trip is ruining the experience for everyone?

At their best, group trips are a recipe for quality time, bonding, and core memory-making away from the monotony of responsibilities and routines. But being in a new place – an unfamiliar context for your friendship – can also create or amplify tensions regarding budgeting, travel styles, or differing abilities to cope when things go awry.

“It’s a disruption of the routine of how many of us practice friendship, where it’s limited to one event, like dinner or a movie,” says Anna Goldfarb, author of Modern Friendship; How to Nurture Our Most Valued Connections. “Traveling is much more intensive. It’s understanding, are we on the same page about the goals of this trip?”

Could it be that your friend feels resentful that their vacation preferences are not being prioritized? Perhaps they feel out of their element, and the anxiety is expressing itself as negativity? Or maybe they’re coping with something stressful in their personal lives but aren’t ready to talk about it yet. Before you resort to complaining behind their back or, worse, the situation devolves into a nasty argument, try these direct yet gentle approaches to get things back on track.

Have a Compassionate Conversation

Summoning empathy for your moody friend can be challenging. After all, they’re the one making the experience difficult for everyone else, aren’t they? But having a calm, kind chat and attempting to understand where they’re coming from might help turn their mindset around.

Blake Blankenbecler, a licensed therapist and friendship educator, suggests “striking while the iron is cold” (aka when you’re both sober, satiated, hydrated, and well rested). Try pulling your friends aside for a private conversation so they won’t feel ganged up on, affirm how much you care about them, and acknowledge that they seem to be having a tough day, which in turn is impacting the energy of the group.

“Ask them, ‘Do we need to talk about something that’s upset you?’” says Blankenbecler. “This person could have made up a whole story about how everyone shared a taxi to the airport and didn’t include them, and it triggered a feeling that they don’t actually belong. Make space for what the story might be.”

There could be any number of things underpinning your friend’s bad attitude, but merely inviting them to talk about it will give you both the opportunity to clear the air, resolve any issues, and hopefully move forward with more positivity.

Suggest Some Alone Time

So, you’ve tried asking your friend what’s going on, but they haven’t been forthcoming. Unfortunately, they haven’t taken your cue to lighten up for the sake of the group either. This might be a good moment to gently suggest some alone time, suggests Goldfarb.

“I think you can accept that a friend is in a cranky mood and not feel responsible for their mood,” she says. “The best you can do is be mature and be authentic and say, ‘What do you need in this moment? If you need a break, if you need a nap, if you want to take some time to yourself, we can meet up later.’”

As a therapist, Blankenbecler always advocates for clear communication first and foremost, but she acknowledges that sometimes a more subtle approach can work. Casually suggesting the whole group head back to the hotel for an hour to rest and regroup might help reset the vibe. That way, “you’re not calling one person out if they’re especially sensitive or tender,” she says.

Next Time, Enlist a Travel Planner

If navigating all the dispositions and desires of the group has been a strain, consider working with a travel company that will curate a bespoke itinerary for the group next time.

“Having a travel expert curate the journey also acts as a built-in mediator, ensuring that the itinerary balances different personalities, interests, and travel styles,” says Jennifer McClymont, a Travel Planner for Naya Traveler, who designs personalized trips that take group dynamics into account. “A well-planned itinerary that considers individual preferences can often prevent these issues from arising in the first place, allowing for a seamless and memorable journey for all.”.

Nothing tests the compatibility of a friendship like traveling together – especially when you add group dynamics to the mix (case in point: the female trio depicted in season three of HBO’s The White Lotus, who are currently triggering the internet with their shifting alliances and petty displays of competitiveness). Perhaps, despite your best efforts, this trip will clarify that your friend isn’t the perfect travel companion for you, but that doesn’t mean your bond can’t flourish back home. Lead with concern, not criticism, and try not to burn any bridges.

“My whole thing is, how can we create safety in our friendships so that your friend feels accepted and loved and not judged?” says Goldfarb. “Just being very mindful that I’m not your boss, I’m not your mom, I’m not your therapist, I’m your friend, and I’m here to support you. That’s what makes friendships so wonderful. That’s why we fight for them because they’re such a special relationship.”