As a hospice nurse with more than 20 years of experience, I’ve sat with many patients at the end of their lives. But I’ve found that for most people, death isn’t the biggest fear. It’s the regrets.
When we don’t acknowledge that death is a natural part of our journey, or we treat it as if it’s optional, we don’t take care of the important things we’re meant to do, learn and be.
We put end-of-life plans out of our minds entirely, or we tell ourselves, “I’ll get to it eventually, when I retire” or “when I have enough money” or “when the time is right.” But time is our most precious commodity — and once we know for sure that it’s limited, the regrets come bubbling to the surface.
I’ve heard hundreds of deathbed regret confessions, and they share a lot of similar themes. Here are the most common ones:
1. ‘I regret not following my heart and finding my true purpose.’
So many of us make choices based on external forces, whether it’s what our families believe, or what we think society values. This can affect how we approach our careers, relationships and even how we present ourselves.
You might hate your job, but you don’t quit because it pays well. You have concerns about your romantic partner, but don’t end it because they sound good on paper. You might dress a certain way because you think it’s the only way you’ll be accepted.
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When we strictly adhere to what others want for us, we’re left feeling unhappy, stuck and lost. But when we are our true authentic selves, that lets us lead meaningful, purpose-driven and fulfilling lives.
2. ‘I regret not having the courage to love others fully.’
One of my patients was a 69-year-old man who had obtained incredible wealth and success. He was among the top 1% of income earners in the U.S. He had houses everywhere, a private plane and more cars than anyone could possibly drive.
On his deathbed, he talked about all the family and friends with whom he had cut ties over money, jealousy and petty arguments.
“I held on to anger and cut people off for stupid things, and I can’t even remember why,” he said. “At the time, I thought it was easier, but I ended up sad, lonely and alone for most of my life. I never found love. I never gave myself the chance to experience it, and now I know this is the entire point of life. I get it now! Please tell others my story.”
As a young hospice nurse, I was struck by this regret because I heard it from such a diverse array of people, from all religions and cultures.
3. ‘I regret not having the courage to let others love me fully.’
Due to the hurt and pain we experience in life, it’s very common to build walls around our hearts in an effort to protect them.
This can be healthy in the short-term, but when we continuously put up those walls and never take them down, we end up building a fortress. No love gets in, and no love gets out. We may think this practice keeps us safe, but we’re actually in a prison of our own making.
When people reach the end of life, they regret that prison they built and wish they had shown more courage to open their heart and let others in.
4. ‘I regret that I judged myself so much and didn’t love myself more.’
If the meaning of life is to experience true and unconditional love, then that love has to start with us.
When I work with people at the end of life and they share their regrets, I suggest they go back to each regret and remember all of the details. I ask them the following questions: “What was your job? Where did you live? Who was in your life? What struggles or challenges were you experiencing?”
Then I ask them this: “Considering where you were and what you were going through, were you doing the best you could?” The answer is almost always yes! It’s amazing how little empathy we have for ourselves.
Life is a learning experience and it can be very hard. Once we understand that, we can see our choices in a more forgiving light. This awareness allows us to find peace and have compassion for ourselves, which allows us to come to terms with our past regrets.
Suzanne B. O’Brien, RN is the Founder and CEO of Doulagivers Institute. Her life’s mission is to increase access to high quality end of life education and care for patients and families throughout the world. She has developed free resources and trainings for family caregivers and practitioners from her firsthand experience as a hospice and oncology nurse and palliative care professional at the bedsides of more than 1,000 end of life patients.
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Adapted from “The Good Death” by Suzanne B. O’Brien, RN. Copyright © 2025 by Suzanne B. O’Brien, RN. Used with permission of Little, Brown Spark, an imprint of Little, Brown and Company. New York, NY. All rights reserved.
