The focus on negativity can spill over into your relationship and how you feel about each other. If one of you decides that you no longer want to participate in this dynamic, the other partner may feel rejected, said Ruan.
It’s normal to want to talk about what’s bothering you or revisit a problem to make sense of it. What’s critical to avoiding co-rumination is balancing emotional sharing with dialogue about how you plan to handle the problem, said Hafeez.
If this pattern of rehashing problems is harming your relationship, make an effort to notice when you’re bringing up past conflicts or negative thoughts, said Hafeez. Try redirecting the conversation by validating your partner’s feelings and asking, “What can we do about this?”
Remember, acknowledging your partner’s feelings doesn’t mean “that you validate distorted thought patterns that may be intensifying their feelings,” said Ruan. Instead, your goal is to understand your partner even if you don’t agree with their interpretation of events and support them in finding more proactive and empowered ways to approach the situation, she added.
“It is much more effective to be able to sit with hard feelings and then remind your partner of their strengths and abilities,” said Ruan. Giving your partner space to express their fears and concerns can help them arrive at their own interpretations and solutions.
Conversely, jumping into problem-solving mode too quickly or attempting to fix the problem for them can backfire. Your partner may feel helpless and poorly equipped to handle the situation, said Ruan.
When you have something negative or distressing on your mind, Paruolo suggested having boundaries around how much time you’ll spend discussing the issue and setting a timer. “Once the timer is up, you both need to make a conscious choice to change the subject,” she said.
Lastly, it’s important to learn how to manage stress whether it’s “through journaling, meditation, or private reflection before bringing problems to your partner,” said Hafeez. “When necessary, you can seek outside perspectives from friends, mentors, or therapists to avoid overloading your relationship.”
This article originally appeared on HuffPost.
